Hirano Aya's usually active blog had been silent for two weeks until new posts Sunday and Monday.
She reported that she had taken time off, and had cancelled or delayed some upcoming events, including a record release, but was returning now, eager to do her best work.
A full examination revealed nothing physically wrong with her, and she accepts that her problems must be psychological. But she still suffers from insomnia and hair-loss, and is doing her best to solve her own psychological problems: she calls herself an "inflexible blockhead."
I infer from things she says that the problem flared up after a disagreement over something to do with an upcoming live event. She seems to have wanted to change something that couldn't be changed, and it sent her into a depression that left her utterly weak.
During her time off, she visited a temple deep in the Kanagawa mountains with her parents, and said it was a peaceful atmosphere in which to face herself, and try to understand others.
She had her hair cut Monday and asked if it made her look like a monk.
Aya seems more and more like Judy Garland. That puts her in great company as an artist, but it isn't a good sign for her mental or physical stability.
Here are rough translations of her past three posts:
Sorry for making you worry.
I apologize for not updating the blog in so long.
Where to start...? Although there is a lot about my condition I can't tell you, please accept this explanation.
When I left the hospital, I decided that events upcoming in the near future would be delayed or canceled. That announcement was made on the Net. A record release will also be delayed. Although I had made that decision, it wasn't time to announce it until now.
If we had had the environment I wanted, the event would definitely have gone ahead. I wanted to sing, and I wanted to act. But I couldn't do anything. I really felt an utter lack of strength.
I apologize to everyone who was looking forward to it. A live event is always a great motivation for me, and losing that was more than just a shock, it was depressing. So I announced that I would be taking a period of rest and recuperation.
I caused a lot of trouble for the cast and staff at my anime recording sessions. But everyone has been very nice and very concerned. And even though I have done something unforgivable, they have allowed me time. I thank them so much. No mistake, they are the ones who have given me a place.
I just disappeared without any formal apology to all the fans who have been watching over me. But I had no solution for my problems, and under those circumstances, I just couldn't think of anything to say.
As a condition for letting me take this time off, my agency ordered me to get a full medical check-up. I had a full rest and check-up, but they could find nothing wrong. They told me my problem must be psychological. Despite my recent symptoms of hair-loss [alopecia areata] and insomnia, I can accept that.
From the time I heard that until now, I have been thinking about everything, but I have still not come up with any answers. I've been thinking as hard as I can about how to solve the problem of there being no way to change my environment, but the result never changes.
As I am now, I do have a bit of inner support, but how to increase it from now on? I myself am searching out methods for softening my block-headed inflexibility.
During my period of recuperation, I had to stay inside, and although it meant days of bitter brooding, it helped me in many ways. It's the first time in my life I have had this experience. I think it gave me a clue to how to solve the problem of having a nature that cannot seem to keep calm. Peering in at my own lack of mental health, I will come up with my own solutions.
Although I'm not sure it was a good thing to say all this, I felt I couldn't lie. What I can say may be limited from now on, but I will tell all in the end. Please wait until then.
I want to be a seiyuu.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be someone who expresses herself.
I visited a temple deep in the mountains in Kanagawa with my family. It had been so long since the three of us had gone anywhere together that it seemed like a vacation trip.
There was rain and hail, but the atmosphere was so peaceful and calm. It was a good opportunity to face myself and to understand other people.
On the way back, we ate soba [healthy buckwheat noodles] at a place nearby.
Aya's genki [energetic and healthy].
Starting tomorrow, my period of rest is over and I'm going back to work. My acting will be better than ever Ψ(`∀´#)
My feelings are entirely absorbed in my work, and I'll give my all!
My hair's been cut again! It gets shorter and shorter. Do I look like a monk at prayer!!?
This most recent post seems like whistling in the wind. I hope she can survive the trials that doubtless lay ahead. And that she can find the solutions she needs. She has the personality of a real actress: lost, insecure, emotional. It allows her to reach the heights of her best work, but makes life very difficult to live.